Do You Speak 'Olde Worlde'? BBC's 'Versailles'

Even his nightclothes look fabulous: Louis and Philippe

BBC’s Versailles, fun but quite often unintentionally funny.

My original review of Versailles is here. This is a humorous look at the worst of its dialogue, more proof I’m afraid that the writing in Versailles is genuinely ‘olde worlde’ by which I mean completely inauthentic, someone’s strange idea of how people used to speak in the past, evidently in the belief that back then, no one made much sense and no one much cared. It’s starting to remind me very much of Jessie Burton’s The Miniaturist, which is not a good thing. See my review here. ITV’s Victoria accomplishes this far better and with more credibility and with an equally attractive cast - I'm not sure why The Crown wins awards but not Victoria.

The cast struggle manfully to deliver lines, which surely by the law of averages, some at least must realise are pure nonsense.

The second series didn’t have to do much to send the press apoplectic, with newspapers disgusted by a so-called five-in-a-bed orgy scene. Hmm. I say that if there are several people in one bed but they’re not doing anything, that’s a sleepover not an orgy. Am I the only one who was disappointed? Then, as a woman, I’m a bit annoyed by the excessive female nudity with poor Madame Montespan (Anna Brewster) hardly ever permitted to put a stitch on while the men are usually fully dressed, with their dignity intact or if naked, are shot from artful angles from the rear.

Semi-gratuitous Shemar Moore

But back to my point. I don’t want to cast aspersions but I think the same writers, Simon Mirren (Helen's nephew) and David Wolstencroft, are possibly responsible for some equally daft and meaningless lines in Criminal Minds, where we’re expected to believe that the supposedly super-intelligent (Dr Spencer) Reid (Matthew Gray Gubler) doesn’t realise what he’s actually said, eg of Halloween:

It rivals only Christmas in terms of popularity

which means it doesn't rival anything else but Christmas when what he means is that Christmas is its only rival. And don't get me started on 'in terms of' – that's a whole other blog.

Then we have Rossi (Joe Mantegna) saying of an ‘unsub’ (anyone else hate that? why not just say perpetrator or suspect – we have the words, we just need to use them), who bludgeons his victims to death, gouges their eyes out and keeps them as souvenirs:

I got a bad feeling about this guy.

Me: No kidding.
 What an amazing insight. I don't think you need any special skills to be sure that this ‘unsub’ is bad news.

Rossi: He no doubt has issues.

Me, in imitation of Leroy Gibbs (Mark Harmon) in NCIS: Ya think?

The only excuse for Criminal Minds is the presence of the talented and easy on the eye Shemar Moore as Morgan. 

But back to Versailles, which despite all its flaws, is still immensely enjoyable. The locations and costumes are gorgeous. I just wish that they would get some help on the script.

Errors often arise out of a desire to sound deep, mysterious, wise, authentic and almost always, no, always, have the exact opposite effect.

The writers are inordinately fond of the word ‘emanate’, hence:

Why are the utterances that emanate from your mouth so critical of the king?

Ouch, listen to that again: ‘the utterances that emanate’. And

How many words are emanating from your mouth?

A fan painting*

Particularly adept at managing this dreadful twaddle is the talented George Blagden (Louis XIV). He delivers it with such conviction, it almost makes sense:

Why are you casting all this rage at me?

Honestly, it’s enough to make you want to cast some rage at someone.

Do you have my back, brother?

We’re not in some modern action flick, guys.

I don’t mind the writers updating the dialogue to the modern vernacular but, if they’re going to use the language properly, it should at least make sense. 

Blind to his failings, dumb to his faults.

The first part makes sense but not the second.

We are all of us in sickness here – we’re just waiting for it to take root.

Why would we be waiting for sickness to take root? How is someone ‘in sickness’? How does sickness take root?

Fabien: Given no reason to smile

Another to suffer is poor Fabien (Tygh Runyan), who gets to say:

Better to lie fallow and collect information.

You don’t lie fallow, you lie doggo. Fallow means unplanted.

We might fend off all who would take us ill.

All who might mean us ill could work at a pinch, take us ill they’ve confused with being taken ill.

Another who has lain hidden before us.

I think this is an attempt to convey hiding in plain sight in olde worlde.

You once cured me of certain ill effects.

Ill effects? Ills perhaps.

You have been dabbling in some nefarious doings.

They just wanted to use ‘nefarious’ here but could not be arsed to construct a proper sentence.

The Chevalier is beyond reproach.

Usually you would say ‘above reproach’ and it would mean something very positive, someone who cannot be criticised, a paragon. Ok, so you might say, well, what’s wrong with that? But this isn’t what the writers mean here. They’re saying he’s incredibly wicked. They mean something like ‘beyond the pale’, the very opposite of ‘beyond reproach’.

MonChevy: Chevalier and Philippe

I’m sure that the series lost a segment of fans when Philippe (Alexander Vlahos) and the Chevalier (Evan Williams), known as #MonChevy in the Twitterverse split up.

My favourite:
The clock is ticking … fast.

It should always tick at the same speed, guys – better get it mended.

Offer you respite from your sleepless nightmares.

If you’re sleepless, you don’t have nightmares, you’re not asleep. Either say respite from sleeplessness or nightmares. It can't be both.

Then, Louis misses his mistress so much he declares, with some conviction:

It is all empty ashes.

Empty ashes? What are empty ashes? Are they worse than full ashes? We can have ‘It is all empty’ or even ‘It is all ashes’ but not ‘It is all empty ashes’.

Louis' advice:
Trust only in yourself, above all others.
If you trust only in yourself that negates the second part of the sentence.

A visitor to Versailles declares:
Versailles is more beautiful than I can imagine.
Once he sees it, he doesn't need to imagine it. This is just a tense problem. They must mean 'than I could have imagined'.

Her pallor is looking a little wan.

If your pallor is wan, perhaps you’re on the mend.

Nothing can be atoned for what you've done to me.

No – they mean ‘You cannot atone for what you've done to me’ or ‘Nothing you do can atone for what you've done to me’.

Rome has only one aim: to protect the Catholic Church and dispose of its enemies.

Ok, I don’t want to quibble but that’s two aims.

This is not a battle.

No, but it is a war.

This isn’t a contradiction. Same difference.

You’re not who you think you are but who you’ve been told you are.

I don't know if I can even parse this out to fathom the meaning.

At one point, a trespasser pronounces the gardener’s name, Jacques, as Jock, perhaps an unwitting response to his strong Scottish accent.

The absurd thing is that no expense has been spared in the making of this programme. The costumes are exquisite; they film in the actual Palace of Versailles; the actors are all good, some much better than good. They have to convey the desired effect in the way they speak the words, in their tone, movement and expression simply because the dialogue is so awful. And despite all this, it’s great fun to watch and the credit sequence, with M83’s ‘Outro’ deservedly won an award. It’s very classy.**

More on George Blagden here: Vikings: Ragnar and Athelstan, Travis Fimmel and George Blagden.

For more on Travis Fimmel: Travis Fimmel Is Ragnar Lothbrok.

Other TV reviews are here:
Cold Case: Honor.

Law and Order: Skate or Die.

For more on language, see Judge Judy: Lost in Translation.

* I've lost the credit for this so please supply if this is your artwork. Hope you don't mind me using it.

**Versailles Title Sequence credits: Executive Producers : Ian Whitehead, Incendo, Claude Chelli, Capa Drama Post production Supervisor : Gary Evans, Incendo Post production assistant : Josianne Bottari, Incendo Creative Director : Christian Langlois, Mémoire Liquide Film Director: Christian Langlois, Mémoire Liquide Art director and motion design lead: Charles Bertrand, Fly studio Production: Mémoire Liquide Line Producer: Marie Josée Bourassa Director of Photography: Étienne Proulx Vfx, liquid specialist and props: Etienne Proulx Production Designer : Jean Bécotte Post production, color grading, motion design: Fly studio Music: M83